The road less cycled

“I don’t want to write this down” JB said to me, so I moved over to hear what he had to say.

“This internal bathing with salt water will increase the specific gravity of your blood so that the water you ingest will flush right through. The liver will not filter it, and you will need to go. And when you need to go, you’ll need to go, like, right now.”

Wise words, from someone who knew. If only I’d realized the extent to which the internal saline bathing would turn my body into a sieve.

I got up around noon today after a fairly late night, realizing I wouldn’t have time to do a workout as planned but that I would just have time to stop in at the Farmer’s Market before being at work at 1:00. No need to worry about breakfast, because I was detoxing.

So I gulped down two glasses of salt water solution – two teaspoons of salt/quart (950 mL), not having time to finish the rest. Then, after picking up some swiss chard, kale, and shelling peas at the market, I arrived at work where I downed about 3 or 4 cups of the lemonade solution I’m subsisting on during my detox. That only took about 10 minutes – I sure was thirsty. Little did I know what was to happen next.

We were low on our Fraser Valley summer birdseed mix, so I started to mix up a new bag, 11lbs black oil sunflower seeds, 5lbs sunflower chips, 2lbs millet and 2lbs peanuts. I was just poking some holes in the newly sealed bag to let the air out when, whoosh! With absolutely no warning, my internal seive opened up and deposited its contents, in, well, you know.

Oh my god. Here I am, the sole staff member, and I’ve just done what I haven’t done since I was like 2 years old. What a fucking disaster. Aaaahh yes, the perils of detoxing.

So I cleaned up best I could; prayed there would be no customers, put a note on the door saying “back in 5 minutes due to a medical emergency”, locked up the store, and drove home like a maniac – like I’d shit my pants, I guess – in complete corroboration of my undeserved driving reputation running one red light completely intentionally because there was no traffic, tailgating a pick-up who pulled over to let me pass, and picked up some new “furnishings.”

Back in the store I phoned up JB, who’s like, “Yeah, that’s why I said ‘right now’ and why you don’t go out.”

Really? I must have missed the part about not going out.

Then he said, “Usually I take a book and I go sit on the toilet.” Oh. Well then. This poses some challenges. Like “how the fuck am I supposed to do this detox if I work 5 days a week in places where I can’t be paid to sit on the toilet!!!?”

Well anyway, maybe it’s only the first hour or two after the morning internal saline bath. If so I can probaby continue with this. If not, well, so much for the detox routine, and hello junk food.

As they say, shit happens. Deal with it. Or as I could well imagine Red Green saying, pinch those cheeks tight.