Well, frick.

26 years old – I was supposed to have this shit figured out by now. 

Instead, here I sit – an all-night diner – after a day of questioning literally everything about the world that I live in. 

Today, none of it seems legit.

I truly live inside of my head in a highly analytical, pseudo-intellectual sense. I don’t live or care for sensation or feeling of any kind; I merely accept it when it’s available, but I do not seek it out when it isn’t. 

Beyond health and survival, I don’t really have material aspirations. I get little enough out of life these days that if it wasn’t for the risk of sacrificing a more rewarding future later on, I could probably waste away without being overly put out.

I just see a seething mass of flesh circulating and revolving around seeking out cheap sensation, not working together with others to attain at least a bit more freedom, and just following their cues, and the whole thing just kind of rankles me.

We have usurped a comparatively massive portion of the Earth’s bio-productive capacity for our own uses, and have put to work all the knowledge and abilities that we’ve developed to, as they say, search for life on other planets while we destroy the life on this one. We’re given an amazing home where the stuff of life literally falls from the sky onto our heads and nutrition is quite widely available, and we insist on being dissatisfied with what I perceive as luxurious riches, and we wage war on other individuals and other species, as if doing so could possibly solve a single one of our problems.

The natural systems around us have so much to teach about health, wellbeing, and healing, and yet we insist on forcefully rearranging the genome to better suit our purposes, and then using our ‘inventions’ way before they are tested and proven to be ready for use.

On a more local level, we act as if every entitlement ever invented is our God-given right, as if there no limits that could ever apply to us, and relentless expansion and growth is our very highest calling.

I grow weary of it all. I don’t see good choices in front of me. Raising a family in the age of drone-warfare and arbitrary presidential “kill” lists? No thank-you. Pushing the boundaries of civilization further into the little patches of nature that still exist relatively un-trammeled by homesteading uninhabited land? Yes, that’s really going to change the rapaciously consumptive course of this society.

Aspiring to an indigenous life lived on the land where I was born? Were it a possibility, I’d consider it as a desirable option.

Living the way that everybody else does, unquestioning and obedient to the established rules and norms? Well, who am I to question anything anyway. It’s not like our lifestyles are obviously unsustainable or anything…

Have confidence that the industrial economy will come through and capitalism will carry the day? I thought I was being preposterous with the earlier propositions…

Where is there hope? The hope that I see is in laughter, humor, and music, and so, thank goodness for those who seek to provide those things. But in those things, there still isn’t necessarily a way forward that breaks ranks with the terribly short-sighted trends and actions of species-centrism, colonisation, rampant pollution and depletion of common resources, and actions that have exacerbated global tensions, that have brought us to where we are today.

How, I ask, can anybody be happy with where we are today? How can it be that most of us accept the status quo and don’t devote all our energies to changing it before we cast votes in affirmation of this system by living and functioning inside of it? I think the answer must be that most just don’t think. Well, fair enough. Can’t force it.

So yeah, this is a far too unsettled way for someone who’s been here for more than quarter century to be thinking – isn’t it? When will I simply cast my lot with those who take the advantages this system can confer, even as new inequities, tensions, and class-ist structures are built up around them every day, in part due to their own actions?

When will I cease to be a gadfly in the side of the status quo even while grudgingly accepting the sustenance I am (so far) able to procure through it?

That time will be when I start to see some real solutions – and that will inevitably mean that the people both need less government, and resent its pervasive presence more strongly. When I start to see people working together to free each other from the working treadmill and the tenacious hold of the twin maestro’s – the mass media and popular culture.

Or just the day that I start living for fun, pleasure, and sensation instead of truth. Really, how far off can that day be given the current state of affairs?